Mr. Barren & Me

Spring/Summer 2009





From one of my living room windows I could see Mr. Barren as he wept on Thursday afternoons in his kitchen. Like clockwork. By the third Thursday I began to bring a glass of Sherry and a plate of crackers with me to the table as I would sit and watch. Yeah, I know. It was a bit intrusive but I simply found it intriguing. See, I’ve known Barren for almost ten years. We've had all the neighborly battles that neighbors could have such as fence issues, dog complaints and I had neighbor sex with his daughter when she was still living with her parents back in the nineties. The Good Years. And those bad times between him and me passed. We had, especially in the last half of a decade, gotten along pretty well. When he broke his leg last August I mowed his lawns for two months straight and trimmed the hedges-twice. He didn’t show a lot of appreciation but I wasn’t looking for it so I don’t mind. Much. I guess I’m saying all this because I want to portray myself as a good courteous neighbor which I feel I am. A little bit of spying won’t destroy my rep, at least I hope not. And it was good, clean Columbo work too. Nothing sexual or malicious.
To be honest I was a little worried about the guy. By week three, the tears weren’t letting up and alcohol was now involved; Barren sullenly trudging a six pack of Coors to the coffee table and walking only one beer back to the fridge an hour later. Yeah, exactly; Boozehound! He always drank but now the crying? Jeez! But I ain’t one to judge. I just watch. Of course my one Sherry lasted the full hour yet I can be a slow drinker. I’ll admit. I like to take my time. Kind of like when I entertain female companions; gingerly and with interest. But I digress. After week five of looking after Barren, by now I considered myself a type of protector of the man, I decided that I had to talk to Elizabeth about her father’s crying fits. I didn’t anticipate it being an easy thing to do since she could respond in a variety of ways such as

“This is none of your business! Fuck off!”

Or

“Why have you been watching my father for five weeks in a row? Fuck off!”

Or

“Is this just another one of your lame attempts at getting us back together? Bruno, it was seven years ago! Get over it! And Fuck off!”

Despite all of the adversity I possibly faced, I decided that for the sake of Barren’s mental state it would have to be done. On a Wednesday afternoon I rode my bicycle down to Elizabeth’s work since my car had been in the shop for the last couple of months. After being without an automobile for so long I had decided that I would probably be fine without one. I mean it’s not the most alluring thing to ask a woman out on a date on one’s bicycle but I haven’t tried it yet and I think it may work as long as I provide her with a helmet.
Blowing past traffic as usual, I made it down to Elizabeth’s work in less than eight minutes. From my house to her work it was mostly down hill yet there were a few climbs that made it more difficult. So I was tad bit sweaty as I skidded up to the Jankins building in the business district downtown yet I felt confident. Skirting by security, I made it into the elevator without questions this time. Up on the fourteenth floor, Elizabeth had one of the best offices in her law firm. It was a pretty amazing feat considering she was just thirty one years old and had been with Goldman & Schaeffer for only four years. Yet she was a real trooper, always down for a fight and according to Mrs. Barren, before she passed away from the breast cancer two years ago, Elizabeth had become a hero in the Hispanic community. One of her first cases was leveled against an employer who had been hiring illegal immigrants specifically with families and then black mailing them with low wages lest he notify immigration. Needless to say the firm appreciated her tremendous work ethic and granted her an awesome office to show their appreciation. And what about an offer to be partner? Well, that would have to wait.
I now watched Elizabeth gaze out her window at the other giant structures which surrounded the Jankins building. She looked so pretty dressed up in her power suit that I had a hard time keeping myself from just waltzing in there and laying one on her. But I didn’t. I can resist. Sometimes. She eventually turned and eyed me eying her, which I think spooked her but it’s nothing she couldn’t handle.

“Bruno, how are you doing?”

I was momentarily stunned by her warm manner since I’m so used to snide remarks, fast doors slammed in my face or a blatant ignorance of my presence. I like to think that she was simply becoming gentler but then again she could have just been concerned with how she appeared at work. Then again, I don’t care too much because an Elizabeth Barren smile was worth a million bucks: fake or for real.

“I’m doing alright. You?”

She just nodded her head and I decided not to ask too much. I wanted her to know I was there for a reason.

“Listen, I’m sorry for barging in on you like this but I was wondering if I can talk to you about something? Either now or whenever is good for you. I’m pretty open today.”

She gave me a slow smile and a look of mischief which brought me back to our old days. I was surprised but I tried not to show it because I wanted her to think I was serious. I mean, I was serious. I was concerned about old man Barren. Every Thursday at six o’clock? Weirdo! Something was up.

“I’m actually gonna take a quick lunch break. You want to join me?”

It was 3:30 in the afternoon but I always heard lawyers had strange hours. We headed down the elevator and passed the security guard who possessed a limp and paunch. He squinted at me maliciously then quickly smiled at Elizabeth. I laughed. Loud enough for him to hear me. Elizabeth turned to look at me so I started talking.

“Where do you go to eat?”
“Across the street at that sandwich shop.”

In between bites of our pesto chicken sandwiches, her recommendation, we chit chatted about the past until she asked why I had come to see her.

“OK, I know this may sound strange but bear with me.”

Before I could continue, her eyes widened a bit and I got a little scared. She can be intimidating. I’m telling you! 5’1 packed in a petite frame with golden curls, Elizabeth was an M-80 wrapped in a BlackCat. And I love everything about her, too! Well, maybe not the mean things. Such as her ability to just drop somebody off on a desolate road in the middle of the night because of an argument. But it did display her ferocity. I worried about that very ferocity before I continued yet Mama didn’t raise no Pansy.

“It’s about your dad. As you probably know I gotta clear view of your kitchen through my living room window…”

This was most likely not the best way to start the conversation but I didn’t know how else to do it so I just dived head first. Into a dry pool. Elizabeth raised her eyebrows and that cute face instantly morphed into Medusas. Yet I forged ahead. Carefully.

“Look I didn’t create the house! My living room provides a perfect view in to your folk’s house, specifically their kitchen…”

I could tell that I was becoming defensive and I didn’t like acting that way. Neither did Elizabeth. So I just came out with it, stumbling and nervous yet nevertheless forward.

“So while I was there, the first time…”

-Ah, shit there I go!

“… I noticed that you’re father was upset. He was sitting down in a chair; crying. And… um… he’s been doing this for the past five weeks and I just don’t think it’s normal. Sorry, Elizabeth, but I think something’s wrong with your dad.”

She just stared at me. The conversation could go in a variety of ways and I wasn’t surprised if it was heading in a bad direction. I braced myself for it by digging my shoes into the hardwood floor.

“I think it’s kind of weird that you’ve been spying on my dad, Bruno. What are you doing? Sitting there watching him?”

Lying. Lying is a very complicated thing. Lies, fibs, white lies and everything else that falls under the banner of not being truthful is a very tricky and sticky thing to navigate through. So I just lie head on, right into the beast.

“No, no, I noticed it the first time and then I accidentally noticed it the second time. But after I noticed it the second time I got a little worried for your pops so I decided to check again, which was the third time and he’s been doing it ever since. Liz, it’s not like I’ve been sitting there and watching him for hours on end with a glass of whiskey!”

-Yes Liz, give me more credit. It’s been a glass of Sherry and only for one hour, not several.

Again she just stared at me for what seemed like forever. She knew I was lying. To be honest I’m a horrible liar. No, really, I’m being honest this time. I’m terrible but I try. I give it my best.

“Well, whatever. I think it’s strange that you’ve noticed this but I’m glad that you told me. Every time I go to see him, he says he’s fine. Maybe it’s my mom. I mean it’s only been two years.”

To this day I’m not sure why I felt this way but I just had a good feeling that it had nothing to do with Cheryl. And I had to share my thought.

“I don’t mean to be rude because I know your dad loved your mom but I don’t think that’s it. He just seems saddened by something else. These tears, Liz, they are for real!”

Once again my big mouth and emotion got in the way. I kept my gaze on Elizabeth while her emerald eyes beamed me with one thousand questions; all of them bad! I decided to keep my mouth closed as often as possible from here on out regarding Mr. Barren.

“Um, OK. What do you think it is then? You’ve been watching him after all.”

Her eyes challenged me sharply. I felt so weak underneath that stare that I just lowered my head. But then I realized that she was asking for my opinion. She was asking for my help! Now, this changed everything.

-Don’t screw it up, Mr. Bruno Cordova!

“I don’t know Liz. I didn’t mean to cut down your idea about your mom but she doesn’t fit. What about you guys? How are you doing with him?”

She shrugged with so little emotion that I knew something was wrong.

“I can’t let that pass Liz. Something’s up, huh?”
”That’s the problem, Bruno. Nothing’s up! My dad and I don’t talk too much anymore. Ever since my mom passed its been hard on us both. I was ... I hoped it would bring us together but it doesn’t seem that way. Do you ever talk to him?”
”Here and there but not often.”
I tried to avoid him actually. I had nothing against Mr. Barren but he was boring. We had nothing in common except for a love for Elizabeth. Yes. I loved her. Still do. And it’s true that she is mean. Mean like a rattler but that bite is deep, man. Just like rattlers. Once you’ve been bit, you’re done. I knew this as I continued to look at Elizabeth. My attention was averted while I fought and beat her to the bill.

“I got it, Liz. Thanks for inviting me. I miss… this.”
“Yeah it’s been awhile.”
“Um… I’ll let you know if I notice anything else with your dad.”
“OK, I appreciate that Bruno.”

Now out on the street, a small breeze came up and blew one of her locks across her face. I couldn’t resist. I’m weak. I drew the hair from her face and much to my surprise she just grinned. I thought that I was going to take a slap or at least receive a creeped out look for sure but No. I was shocked! Happy but shocked!

“How am I gonna let you know about your dad if something comes up? I’m gonna need you number.”

It was straight forward and to the point. Sure a little lame but once again, to my surprise, it worked. Maybe she was just getting older and was getting desperate. I know that it happens. Once thirty hits, women become awfully aware of that biological clock. TICK-TICK-TICK-TICK!!! That bastard beats faster than a RiverDance performer on Meth! But I’ll take it. For Mother Nature can be a man’s best friend.
As I made my way home, I decided to stop off at Rubies for a drink. I locked my bike on one of the many poles the city provided upon the sidewalk. No sooner had I clasped the lock shut that did I see Mr. Barren stumble out of the bar. Surprise, surprise! Someone’s been hitting the sauce- Again!

“Hey, Barren!”

Seeing that he was hammered, I thought I would address him casually. It’s true that I was taking advantage of the situation. Sue me! I did go out of my way to tell his daughter about his breakdowns, right? I got some heart. Anyways. He spun around and turned to me faster than I thought he could. He was crouched low like a tiger and for a second I thought he might try and attack me. I’d be lying if I said a medium size part of me didn’t want him to either. For years I’ve held a little bit of a grudge on Barren. Eight years back he beat me at a basketball game in front of Elizabeth and Mrs. Barren. I still can’t rid the bitterness from my breath!

-Beat me at a kid’s game, Barren? Let’s see how you do in a man’s world!

Just as I started to get into my Muay Thai fighting stance and Barren got in an old Greco Roman wrestling position, the door to Rubies swung open. Rock n Roll music blared from inside the bar. As if the tunes were pronouncing his arrival, this small little man in his mid to late thirties came striding out of the bar like a peacock. He was sporting one of those pointy little goatees, he was dressed like a metro sexual and his hair was made into one of those poor excuses for a mo-hawk. You know the kind; where it’s only about two inches high, not shaven on the sides and the actual hawk is more like a wave than a lethal weapon. Everyone knows real Mohawks were intended for battle! Look who wore them; the Iroquois and Travis Bickle! I need say no more.


“Oh Bernard, Bernard! You forgot your script, honey! Remember practice makes perfect. And don’t be afraid to bear it all. Bye!”

The man handed Bernard Barren a script of “A Streetcar Named Desire” and then turned to me, doing a quick look me over. I was dressed in my usual attire of Dickies shorts, T-shirt and old school Adidas. I’m not a fashion king to say the least and I could tell that the queen wasn’t impressed. But I am ripped and I did notice him checking out my body which made me feel a bit like a hunted animal that is killed for its fur; scared yet tragically flattered all at the same time. Before I could cower away from his creepy stare, the goat turned around and headed back from the hole he descended. Barren and I just gawked at each other; both of us unsure what the hell to do. Maybe Barren had more guts than I give him credit for because he stepped up first. He extended one of his old thick fingers directly at my chest and started off in a slow easy drawl.

“Pay attention here, Cordova. If you tell anyone on the block about this, it’s curtains for you!”
“Big talk for a man who was just hanging out with an anorexic Rock Hudson!”

That did it! Back into the Greco-Roman position he went and me into my relaxed and prepared Muay Thai stance. We eyed each other for a few seconds before I suddenly got this tremendous feeling of embarrassment within my being. I mean, Barren is like one hundred! No, no, I’m just joking he is only in his mid sixties but it wouldn’t be fair and I love Elizabeth. I really do. If I hurt him I would only be hurting her which is the last thing on my agenda. So I backed off.

“Alright, Mr. Barren. I won’t say a peep. Scouts Honor.”
“Scouts ain’t got no honor. That’s why their boy scouts! Pussies!”

I told you he was difficult.

“Fair enough. I give you my word which is worth something.”

He looked at me cockeyed. Barren knew that I was serious so he didn’t try any more wisecracks but just stuck his hand out. To be honest, at that moment I hadn’t put it all together yet, though I was on my way. The crying, A Streetcar Named Desire and the scrawny guy who must have been a theatre coach or something. I’m not the brightest bulb but I can connect the dots.

“Are you… are you acting? Doing plays or something?”

Barren stole a glance at a woman passing by and smiled to her kindly. I instantly recognized Elizabeth within that look; the ability to morph from kind to sinister or vice versa in a millisecond was alive and well in the Barrens.

“I’m telling you, Cordova!”
“Calm down! My word is my word. I’m just curious. Is that what that guy was talking to you about?”

Barren’s attention was completely on me now. His countenance softened a little, just a little, and he looked into my eyes.

“Yeah, I’m doing it through the Retirement Center. It’s been a hobby I’ve picked up on the side. No one knows about it. No one. And I want to keep it that way.”

I like challenges.

“You know, Elizabeth might want to check you out when you’re ready to perform.”

This was dangerous ground. I know it. First off this is Barren. He’s not some ultimate Bad-Ass or anything but he did serve in the military during 'Nam and he doesn’t take people’s shit. He is his own man. I’ll give him that one for sure. Second, I was talking about his family now. And though I’m pretty sure he knows that I care for Elizabeth, she is still his daughter. His only daughter. I treaded carefully. His eyes grew large and before he could snap I tried again.

“Or not, or not!!! I just think that she would really love to know you’re doing something productive like this. Plus, you would really knock the socks off her! I assume you’re playing Stanley, right?”

He nodded his head. I couldn’t help but laugh. And I didn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop and I didn’t give a shit if he socked me right there. But there’s something about energy, man. Energy and your intentions. We can feel them. Sometimes. And old man Barren knew that my intentions were good. I wasn’t laughing at him. I was laughing with him. And within a few seconds he was chuckling too.
I called Elizabeth later on that night and told her about her dad. Yeah, I know I made a promise but Elizabeth needed to know. She was worried sick by now about her dad and she was the only one who had to be aware. Her nerves and stress level were more important than the old man’s ego, anyways. Barren had not agreed to tell Elizabeth about the play but since it was two weeks off I knew that there was a good chance he would eventually invite her. Me too. I told him that I wanted to go. As I talked to Elizabeth, I let her know how I put all the clues together.

“I gotta say I’m really relieved your dad was only crying for practice. See, if he had just yelled Stella once I would have understood.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t think he wants the neighborhood to know, you know?”
“Yeah, I know. Trust me, I know. So, I got a good feeling your dad is going to invite you to the show. You’re gonna need a date. And it just so happens that I know someone perfect for you.”
“Oh yeah. You’re not thinking about yourself are you?”
“Who? Me? Nah, nah. I was actually thinking about your father’s drama teacher. I’m sure he could use a date and he’s not that bad of a catch. You want me to put in a good word for you?”

Elizabeth laughed. It was a good, strong yet delicate laugh that made me happy I could hear. I knew she would go to the play with me and she did. But I didn’t ask right then. In between that space of time when all to be heard is the breath, I decided to savor that moment for they don’t come every day.


The End